Final Fantasy XIII, Resident Evil 6, Castlevania 64, Star Fox: Assault… These are not bad games, yet often they get labeled as so. Disappointing? sure. But bad? If these are bad games to you, then you haven’t played anything quite like Merry Christmas Lady Santa.
It’s a game made entirely with Unity assets. You’re a Santa of the lady variety who has to find a giant Christmas present on a spaceship filled with guards. Your only weapon are grenades that your character half-assedly lobs about two feet in front of herself. It’s incredibly easy to blow yourself up, especially once you get the ability to throw giant grenades.
In about five minutes, you’ll find the present. Game over! It’s done. You beat the game! It’s one level long with no randomized elements. I think I paid $3 for it, but it wouldn’t be worth playing even if it were free. Even what is here is just wonky. The frame-rate dips like crazy, the camera goes inside of geometery and the controls are just barely passable.
Sadly, there are probably worse games than this. Merry Christmas Lady Santa is playable and has an ending. I’m sure, somewhere out there, a game can’t even attest to this.
This release was on PlayStation Mobile, a service that was shut down earlier this year. There are other Lady Santa games on mobile platforms, but I don’t see this particular one anywhere else. I’m sure you could find a way to play it if you really wanted to. But please, don’t play Lady Santa.
Hopefully these will be the last words ever written about it.
Rest in peace, Lady Santa.
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